But we had conversations where we discussed what I was doing to stay safe, and we had agreed upon methods of checking in (calling / texting at certain reasonable times, for example). They just find more things to get worried about. My colleagues travel all over the world, sometimes to places in great upheaval where they have to have military escorts. We arent gamblers either. Marriage counseling is good for her so she can express her love for me without sounding like a hypochondriac. Not for me. My associatons annual conference rotates between about six places, and even in big cities like Chicago and Philly we need to use three nearby hotels to have enough meeting rooms and hotel rooms. Same with mine. We did it almost two weeks ago and it took about 14 hours, and now we're headed home. My mom is the same way. We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. Lots to see and do. Other than that, we gambled, we ate a lot, we walked a lot, saw a lot of family-oriented and kid-oriented activities swam in the hotels outdoor pool. Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . Last time I was there staying at the Cosmo some HR conference started in the hotel (funny as an HR person) He is seriously out of whack and I would not put up with him. Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. I second Alisons advice that marital counseling is needed. And my husband has two business trips of at least four days each in the next two months and Im rather thrilled. Yeah, it might not be the safest if youre wandering around at night by yourself (just like anywhere, really), but aside from being irritated by the smoke in the casino areas, I had no issues whatsoever. And have been wanting to take the Grand Canyon tour. Walking to work? I say go for it! As sinful as it gets, I tell ya! should I be so emotionally drained by managing? And Id add that theres a difference between (unwarranted) demands rooted in irrational fears, and those rooted in control/trust issues. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. Sorry about the side note. But a positive first encounter with a therapist can change that, because, you know, therapists are trained to defuse and help unpack their misconceptions. Case in point: my father is terrified of everyone he loves dying and leaving him alone, to the point where I, as a 32 year old, was expected to text him and let him know when I left work, when I got home from work, if I was going out, if I was changing locations, etc. Best of luck to you, LW. I never felt less inspired to sin in my life. But a counselor can assess it and go from there. Your man doesnt have much of an opinion of you, does he? Excuse me? The Truth About Taking Separate Vacations. Its a him issue. Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. I have a friend now who Ill maybe mention that he is going to a business thing and he will badger me where is he? Its a him issue. It can be challenging to know when to kind of cater to her anxiety (she is able to relax much better if I check the door locks before bed than if she does it, so I do it but never more than once a night), and when to decide that her worry about a particular issue has passed the point where I can be supportive and is just on her to manage (I refuse to provide reassurance for a 7th round of what if this offhand comment I made at work was overheard by the wrong person and totally misinterpreted and I get fired and then I cant find another job and then we lose the house?). Display any widget here. I used to travel 3 weeks out of the month from Wed-Sun for work and often traveled by myself to large cities as well as smaller locations and never felt unsafe. Whats not real is all these horrible things Im imagining happening to her. Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. My husband would answer that question with Only if its inside. Might I suggest Hotwire? Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Sure, but then the question would be my boss wants me to go on a business trip but I have a new baby/my spouses parent is seriously ill/my house just flooded and I need to deal with insurance/whatever, how should I ask my boss if I can get out of it. A therapist will be of substantial benefit to OP in uncovering these typically subconcious assumptions and patterns, and mindfully challenging them and acquiring a different and more equitable relationship with her husband. I dont gamble and am not much of a drinker/partier and I thought Vegas was great! OP take care of you first. Also accusing someone of cheating so you have to surveil them is right out of the abuser handbook. But they are the obvious two and also both hot-button topics on this forum. Im going to second the suggestion of marriage counseling, but I think your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. Charleston. This is the exact opposite of what youre suggesting, Ramona. So in addition to all his other faults, you then learned that he had asshole friends. Honestly, I just wasnt used to having someone worry about me. Nope. Hes using the great, ambiguous They to give his personal feelings more weight. If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. Also, if youre like me and my Mother, your emotional reactions could spiral his emotions up, until youre making each other worse. If this is more an inexperience thing, it still needs to stop but I think it is less worrying than control/abuse issues. My husband has some mental health issues (and some life experiences) that make him prone to excessive worry when I travel for work, and in my last job, I traveled A LOT. Hang up the phone, turn it off, walk out of the room, leave the house and walk the dog or go for a drive, stop and get yourself a meal out somewhere. If this isreally about more than the fear of cheating, it sounds like there arepretty serious anxiety issues in play here. I also tried talking through some of his wilder concerns. One woman I met recently on a week-long work trip said it was the longest time shed been apart from her husband in 15 years. :), That reminds me of this Captain Awkward letter: https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, Were now in a position where he thinks Ive made a mistake with the breakup, and that I did not adequately justify my reasons for ending it.. Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. And voila- you're on the coast! See some shows, enjoy some good food, go on a nice hike. My knee-jerk reaction was to say, you dont dictate where I go, I was just out for a walk, for Chrissakes. Statistically, the most dangerous part of this trip is the car drive to the airport. This is just.rage-inducingly bonkers. If your husband doesnt trust you to handle three days sitting in conference rooms in Las Vegas with your coworkers, thats a fundamental relationship problem. We are individual people, and of course we take each other into account, but ultimately neither of us is the others possession or pet. You get into a state of physical arousal (sweating, shaking, racing heart, fast breathing, etc) and it often gives you a screaming headache, roiling tummy, and makes you irritable and prone to tears. Ive stayed in beautiful NYC and D.C. hotels for less than $130 a night. Yeah, I saw that. You can make decisions for yourself! Im going on a business trip to Vegas in a few weeks and Im grateful the conference is there rather then other difficult travel to destinations. 2 junio, 2022; google load balancer path prefix rewrite; how much does it cost to join peninsula yacht club . OP, how long do you think you can tolerate his behavior? Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? And my husband was completely fine with it. And then he interprets the lack of disagreement as agreement. And you can get into crazy stuff in any city, really; Vegas has developed a reputation for it to bring in tourism money, but there are parties and bars and even gambling in lots of other large cities in the U.S. And even if you werent going to your cousins house! Out alone after dark = commuting to a job that has normal office hours. When one leaves, its done! Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. Heres to many years of not feeling needless guilt. We always have a good laugh when one of my husbands coworkers asks him, You actually let your wife go away without you? We had screaming matches over girls night out or any activity that might throw me in the path of men. But it wont be easy. Apparently the husband hasnt been to Las Vegas recently, because now its like Disneyland with slot machines. its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! We split it into 3 traveling days both directions so it would be 6 hours and we are estimating 8 hour days, but know it could be longer. The worrying about her cheating leads me to consider there might be a problem with control/abuse, possibly. Like Winter says . Especially when those demands result in diminished opportunities. I really dont recommend this course of action. When I was in grad school my mom once had a fit that I was walking home from class at around 4:45 pm on a random Tuesday evening. (A high crime rate gets lots of news coverage, with dramatic photos; a major reduction in the crime rate doesnt, because TV news doesnt want pictures of people walking down the street in safety with friends, doing their shopping, picnicking in the park.). I agree. I think. My husband was very upset. I cant imagine getting upset because he went on a business trip. Thats worrying about what other people will do TO me. I mean seriously? He easily sleeps 4 hours. I would hate to see that whatever reassurances/checking in could have a negative impact on how you are perceived in your office. I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. (Pretty sure the best meal Ive had in my life was at a Vegas buffet there was bone marrow covered in like fig sauce and the second or third best was at one of the steakhouses). I hope some of it is helpful to you in some way. And people loooooove the lotto tix here. At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. Oh man, the broken-glass-on-the-kitchen-floor-for-a-month dude! Hee! Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party. Meanwhile, there are fewer property crimes in my very small town than there are in hers, and we havent had a murder since the 1990s. I am sitting in my car at the airport catching up on AAM before I get back to life and guess where I came from? They are readily available and heavily marketeda sudden whim or fancy could be a reality very quickly. I lived in that neighborhood for five years, and was perfectly safe. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? OP, I believe that professional help figuring out what exactly is going on (including ruling in or ruling out a medical cause like primary anxiety or OCD) and getting professional treatment based on that, is the best first step for you here. Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. People buy life insurance for people they love all the time, and dont tell them to stay at home all the time to avoid the risks. However, the husband is being ridiculous. I remember being like, What would I even DO with all this space? ha! Maybe this has been mentioned already (I started skimming when all the comments were the same OUTRAGE) but, would it be possible for your husband to come with you on this trip? It was a blast! You say youre the breadwinner. We get to decide what level of irrationality we are willing to handle in a relationship and if its based in fear and being used to limit who you want to be, that just doesnt work. For example, I dont gamble and drugs, etc have no appeal. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. Either theyll know already that it doesnt work that way, or worse, theyll try it and end up handing more ammunition to the husband. My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. Marriage should be about love, not control. My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. Yeah and Ill add that it makes the advice people are giving much less likely to be effective/heard/followed by the OP if people are attacking a man she presumably loves and finds reasonable outside of this situation. Me: What did you say? She takes trips with friends, or solo, a few times a year. It sounds like theres a lot you two have to work through but if his primary concern is for your personal safety, as other folks have mentioned, Las Vegas is actually pretty safe for a big city. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. Gamboling is a type of frolicking around without a care in the world. Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? My wife and I have two young kids. Your husband is being unreasonable. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. OP, I agree with the advice you dont have to choose between your marriage and your job if you dont want to. Yeah, my husband takes business trips to Vegas multiple times a year. Im flummoxed that a whole group of people would respond this way to a very normal thing like a business trip, particularly when presented with the reasoning OP outlined in the letter. Hell figure something out; youll figure something out. I would idd consider flying. Food! (also, the remedy would normally be that both the wife and husband go to Vegas, not that the husband bans the business trip), I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple.. Same! Why wont he go on the trip with you? Id also check out books such as When Panic Attacks and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living Life. Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. He doesnt have friends. So maybe the husband should only attempt to veto conferences in the Midwest? Ive only been to Vegas twice. FYI: I mean crazy in a flippant sense not as an insult to any mental health issue. Everyone else said she deserved it! Ive traveled to all kinds of interesting destinations where Ive only seen the inside of the airport and conference rooms. This isnt normal, as you say, and a good husband will support you as you travel. I just saw the news about the mass shooting in Vegas. This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. I dont even know what city he is in sometimes just because he will tell me about five trips at once and I cannot remember which is what week. Leave your phone on silent. We respect everyones right to express their thoughts and opinions as long as they remain respectful of other community members, and meet What to Expects Terms of Use. It comes across as so controlling. I think whatever LV *was* once, its not anymore. Either hes got anxiety driving him to act out this way, which can be addressed with talk therapy to learn new coping mechanisms (also, medication is an excellent tool that could help) or, he feels threatened by your success in business and is seeking to sabotage you to keep you in your place. Don't exhaust yourselves. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! But itseems like they want totake things slowly. Dont get in a bike accident! It mostly makes me question his survey methods, which I assume involved leading questions like, would you let your wife go to a naked business orgy in Las Vegas?. The same concerns would translate for a man. If it didn't work you were stuck with a super cringe photo until the next time you tried to get everyone together. Perhaps Allison can clarify and correct if needed? She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. It isnt like the reputation just happened by accident. A reader writes: My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. Has he ever left the house? OP, I want to add a data point to counter his everyone agrees with me! comment. Theres a weird dichotomy with that place. I dont want men to dismiss womens fears, but I have personally had more experience with the opposite men deciding to tell me why I cant/shouldnt do something adventurous. Can you cut it out, or find someone else to talk to about your worry?. You are not required to live it with someone who makes you miserable and is not willing to work on the problem. Theres a limit to how much they can make if they limit themselves to those who want risqu and sleavy. I wish this would have been the first comment because it frames the issue perfectly. What happens in counseling is that the controlling spouse learns new language to gaslight and manipulate their partner with, and things get worse instead of better. Feel free to point out where I did that. Marriage counseling is the only way you save this. In most normal partnerships where you have shared responsibilities its not so much asking permission, as its checking in to make sure spouse doesnt need you For anything at that time. The whole phrase what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas bothers him. Im going to Vegas and thats the end of discussion. Very few of these trips ends up involving much fun at all. I think its time to tell him something like: I need you to respect my ability to make my own decisions. From my experience with family members with these issues, I needed to learn how to help create a healing environment at home. Thats pretty seriously delusional thinking. and my husbands main reaction has been I hope you have a great time, and Im glad you are not trying to get me to go too. OPs husbands friends would have a conniption if they heard about my situation! I have to remind myself of that sometimes; I think you should remind yourself that too. Just that it could be either one. You don't have to fake excitement about every little . husband doesn t want to go on family vacationlifetime guest pass policy. Im wondering if perhaps your husband doesnt have the life experience of travelling to big cities and realizing that all of them are much different than portrayed in the media? It means the relationship ran its course and isnt bringing the two of you what you need any more, and thats sad, but its also not unusual. Ill throw this out too just in case. Your brain chemistry & brain function is literally abnormal, for a start. You have to go because if you refuse, that will absolutely jeopardize your standing in the company. So your husband just told you he wants to go away for Labor Day. It will also be a lot easier with a hotel stop overnight; we did not do this, but it still wasn't difficult. And Im not talking rooms in crappy parts of town. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. There are many issues at play here. Conversely, if he came home with the same news, my response would be, Thats great! I work for a global health organization. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. I trust that the letter writer would be able to better identify whether or not thats the case here, and trust shell be able to address it appropriately with a skilled counselor. I hope you go to Vegas and find love with someone who doesnt treat you like property. Yes!! I have anxiety, and so does my husband and this isnt really an anxiety reaction, but a control issue. You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. OMG! Maybe Im wrong. Op, your husband is out of line and sounds very insecure. Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.).